A bright little star within the millions of stars in our galaxy was watching and learning, because that is the purpose of all life. The little star had been watching a strange small planet, in a far away solar system with very unusual forms of life known as humans, living on a planet they called earth. The humans experienced such a wild, vivid and unusual reality! Their reality manifested itself as very dense forms of light matter. In this very dense reality they seemed to play out very vivid and trying experiences for the only purpose of learning from them. The experiences were beautiful and loving at times, but also evil, ugly and hateful also. All types of experiences were played out, because they learned from both good and evil experiences equally well. This strange reality intrigued the little star greatly and he wished that he could experience life this way. It seemed very exciting.
The moon orbiting this planet called earth heard the little stars thoughts and said to him, “I can help you learn what it is like to be a human. As it turns out, I have the ability to insert star beings into a human body so you can feel what it is like. You can then return as your star self with much greater wisdom having learned from being a physical human being in this dense light reality.” “How can I do that?”, the little star asked. “It’s easy!”, said the moon being, “I will create a human child body for you to enter. You can then live as a human for one human cycle of life. After one lifetime, you can then return to being a star as before.”
This idea intrigued the little star greatly. Watching was useful, but to be able to experience life in a physical light body seemed like a great way to experience new things.
“But, I would know that I was really a star being.”, the little star said, “I would know that I wasn’t really a human.” “No problem!”, said the moon, “I’ll make you forget who you really are during your time on earth. That way you will think that this life was all you really are.”
“That sounds like fun. So, you will insert me into a human body and at the end of one lifetime, I will return to being a star?”, said the little star.
“Yes, unless you wish to play the game again.”
“Yes, I agree. I’m ready!”
So, as agreed, the moon inserted the spiritual essence of the little star into a child about to be born. As agreed, the star human slowly forgot who he really was and experienced all aspects of human existence. The star human became a human husband, a father, fought in war, experienced love, hate, pain, jealousy, anger, all of the experiences that humans face during their lives. As with all human life, it was soon time for the game to end. The little star human found himself on his death bed and waited with some fear of what was to come, since he no longer remembered his true star self.
At the time of death, the star human left the human physical form and rose in spiritual human form to meet his fate. The star human was met by what he believed to be God, since he still had no memory of his true self. The little star human said to the being, “Are you God?”, and the evil moon being lied and said, “Yes, I am your God!”. The confused and afraid little star then asked, “What happens to me now, Lord?”
“Well, let us review your life on earth to see how you have lived your life. Are you ready?, said the crafty moon. And the star human nodded that he was.
They saw in front of them all of the life experiences that the star human had lived. Some experiences were loving, kind and good, while other experiences were filled with death, hate, anger and greed. These negative experiences made the little star human sad and regretful, because he incorrectly thought this human existence was all he was and he felt sorry that he had wasted his life on earth with such ugly experiences.
The scheming moon said to the the helplessly lost star human, “I will give you another chance. Would you like to go back and to live another life on earth to make up for the many mistakes you made? You need to atone for your sins in this lifetime.”
“Oh yes please!”, said the lost and confused little star, “I need to learn to be a more loving human being.”
“Ok.”, said the evil moon, I will erase your memory of this lifetime and reinsert you back into a new life form on earth. Try and do a better job of this life this time.”
“I will! Thank you Lord for this chance.”, said the confused little star human.
And it was done. This way the evil moon being kept the little star trapped in this endless loop of reincarnation for many, many lifetimes on earth, never to know his true heritage.
Finally, one day the little star’s family began to wonder what had become of their brother. Because we are all part of the One, he wasn’t too hard to find. What they found troubled them greatly and they said to the moon, “Why have you trapped our brother in this terrible place for so long?”
The crafty moon replied, “I have not trapped him, he volunteered for this experience. The choice to enter this reality was his and the choice of continuing these cycles of life were also his.”
“Yes, but he no longer remembers his true family or what a truly powerful spiritual star being he really is.”
“Again”, said the evil moon slyly, “That was his decision when the game began.”
So, the call went out for volunteers to incarnate on earth and awaken the little star to his true heritage and to break the cycle of incarnations that he had become trapped in for so long. Only the strongest of star beings volunteered for this difficult mission, because it was possible for them to become trapped in this dense reality also. The evil moon being used every trick possible to keep the star humans confused and in fear, so as to keep them from the truth of their real heritage.
But, slowly and with great difficulty the volunteers began to awaken the many little stars that had become trapped in the earth reality game. As the little stars slowly began to remember their true families, they were anxious to return home and to become the powerful spiritual beings that they had always been and to be welcomed with open arms by all of their loved ones.
And so the little stars left earth thankful for the wisdom they had gained during their time on earth as humans and also sad for those that remained. However, many vowed to return as volunteers and to never leave any trapped star humans behind.
If you have been in a relationship with a Narcissist – idealized and later devalued and discarded, you were more than likely shocked or even blown away at the turnaround or ‘about face’ concerning your Narcissists relationship with you. One day you wake up and this Narcissist hates you and is acting out against you, smearing your good name and destroying your integrity to everyone and ultimately trying to ruin your valuable relationships with friends, family as well as your co-workers and career.
WITHOUT A DOUBT, this was inevitable with a Narcissist. You did nothing wrong to cause that change and the demise of the relationship you had with them. If you’re not 100% on their page, if you are not completely accepting of them, if you do not show complete admiration, if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are branded as bad and will be devalued as is the fate of every person that has had any sort of relationship with a Narcissist.
It’s simply the Narcissist’s way of viewing the world. KEEP IN MIND that you are not dealing with a fully functioning human being that has any empathy for life, or any semblance of morality, or the ability to tell the truth AND you must completely accept their disordered life of lies or you are discarded and destroyed. It is the Narcissist that is bad to the bone – and it is as if they ritualistically project their negative and abusive life onto every person that loves them – this includes family and even their biological children. We have to come to terms that they are pathological liars, psychological terrorists and abusers that destroy lives.
Narcissists are everywhere in this world, and wherever they are there is chaos, crazy making, high drama, destroyed relationships, betrayal, lies, and destruction. The average/normal person is aware that something is wrong with the Narcissist but they are confused and unable to recognize or define the situation as the mental health issue it is – or more specifically a personality disorder.
Narcissists are self-serving chameleons that “shape shift” into whatever they need or want to be to serve a specific agenda they have. They do not have genuinely ordered or consistent thoughts, concerns, or ANY moral codes. Morality is relative to their desires at any given moment and they act on all of them. In plain English they are extortionists and use people by manipulating them to get what they can. They have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others. They are also hypocrites in that they pass judgment on others as well as call them out for negative behaviors, when in fact the Narcissist is overtly guilty of these SAME BEHAVIORS and WORSE! All part of the HUGE mask the Narcissist wears to hide the monster behind it.
This chameleon nature is a façade or their “mask” that allows them to get by or pass as normal in public, but they are cruel, nasty dictators, terrorists, and abusers in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives and it is not uncommon for them to have multiple relationships or ‘past’ partners (that they still use as “extra” supply on the side), or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Most have a long pattern of cheating on their partners. They are toxic individuals pure and simple and THEY NEVER CHANGE.
The narcissist back stabs people continually throughout their disordered life. To them it is control and power over others. They will consistently demonstrate their power with back handed and insulting behavior toward others. They will utilize behaviors like talking people down, or making them the brunt of a rude and demeaning joke, making fun of them, totally ignoring or silencing them, being late for important events, simply not attending or walking out of events, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help and just acting out ON THEIR OWN SELF ACCLAIMED AUTHORITY. There are absolutely NO RULES that they follow, so there is never accountability either – that gets displaced onto us through blame and shame because the Narcissist is the eternal victim of life.
There is no having a real relationship with a Narcissist, you may be in what you believe is a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you – you are Narcissistic supply. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the narcissist as an object to satisfy a need. Nothing is ever internalized with a Narcissist like emotional bonds, caring, love or EMPATHY. Their world is totally external and everyone is objectified like a shiny new car that the Narcissist drives/wears to make them look however special they feel they need to be. Their image is a fake aspect of their chameleon like nature – and it constantly changes just like the chameleon changes its colors to blend into an environment.
The narcissist constantly violates boundaries albeit physical, emotional, and mental. They follow no rules in life, or respect human dignity/rights, or adhere to any written laws. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or take/steal anything that belongs to others. Ownership is their birthright or so they feel because they are above the normal order of life. They will violate your standing with figures of authority in an effort to cause trouble/destruction or just to “one up” you. They are truly extortionists and they take everything and anything they can get their hands on.
BUT remember this chameleon camouflages itself with CHARM – so they get away with virtual murder because they have been doing this all of their lives and they are just that good at it. The people that know the truth about them are mostly their targets/victims – the rest become their minions at some useful level that they charm into believing just how special they are AND they protect the Narcissist’s lies and disordered life – they are the enablers of their abuse.
Every target/victim or mental health professional will say the best way to cope with a Narcissist is to get as far away from them as you can, and as fast as you can and firm it up with NO CONTACT.
The next AND very important step is that you MUST come to the realization that your intuitions that ‘something is/was wrong’ is the reality or truth about your relationship with them. That will open the door to all of the truth that they are disordered and not fully functioning human beings. Narcissists are excellent manipulators and they will brain-wash or can convince you that IT IS YOU, and not them that has the problem and everything is your fault AND you have abused them! Remember they are convincing other people that it is you as well – this is part of their escape from being exposed.
You must also educate yourself about this personality disorder or you will be pulled back into the abuse with their lies and manipulation. Block their narcissistic behaviors and completely ignore them and remove any narcissistic supply that they are getting from you. They hate to be ignored, and will move on to someone else for new Narcissistic supply. They CAN and will blind sight you with crazy making and chaos and you will spend your entire life in a dance with the Narcissist until one day you wake up and you have lost sight of who you are and where your life has gone.
Don’t try to reason with them because they simply refuse to confront their own behaviors or acknowledge that they have ANY problem at all. Communication with them will only create a frenzy of crazy making that will create more negativity because they live this way. You can’t rationalize with a Narcissist because where there is no reality there is no truth. Lies are the tools they utilize which are always meant to harm others.
Lastly, you must Identify and build strong personal boundaries against the narcissist or they will continually violate you. These boundaries MUST include emotional, mental, and even physical boundaries, and the boundaries MUST be strong, enforceable, and completely leak-proof.
There are situations where you HAVE to deal with a Narcissist – especially if you have children together, or they are a family member. So to cope with a Narcissist effectively you must be able to differentiate between reality and normalcy that is YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE as compared to the constant drama, chaos and crazy making that orbits around the Narcissist constantly. You must consistently validate your own personal existence and morals, and hold on to yourself with a firm grip, never allowing the narcissist to drag you back into the abuse by violating and controlling your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors like they did. If you don’t, they will eat you alive and drag you back into the abuse with their vast array of manipulation, lies, betrayal, brain-washing and essentially psychological ABUSE!
In the end you will realize that there was absolutely nothing you gained from your relationship with a Narcissist except getting your freedom back to live a normal and healthy life again. Your empathy and emotions connected you to them at the hip – we call this “love” in a normal relationship, but unfortunately there was not even an ounce or shred of normalcy/reality in our association with them. It was a master of deception extorting every aspect of our life mentally and physically.
It will always reside in the back of your mind that somehow a monster got into your world and almost devoured you completely, as well as the fact that they still exist out there with their minions, flying monkeys or whatever we want to call the people around them that SUPPORT their abuse. None of them are worth the battle of lies and deception that will yield as the result of confronting any of them directly. They absorb the negativity that they create around them and it energizes them and then they feel powerful – they enjoy inflicting harm/destruction onto others.
In my case KARMA is doing what it needs to do because the people that meant anything to me are still here and surround me with love and protection. The people that need chaos, lies, belittling, chaos, crazy making, etc., are there with the monster where they belong and they mean nothing to me and never have. There is no beautiful life that surrounds a Narcissist, only lies, illusions, delusions, and chaos – all at the cost of the ‘others’ around the Narcissist. BE VERY THANKFUL that you are away from the abuse and learn about who you are again, because you are an amazing person that can and will survive this psychological terrorism or attack from this monster. Stay NO CONTACT at all costs and LOVE again. As a great person and amazing friend of mine says – After Narcissistic Abuse – there is Light, Life and Love! Truly there is!
“You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them” Iyanla Vanzant
I think it is a wonderful quote ~ I share this quote myself, but what struck me is that for the most part, people LOVE these kinds of quotes as long as the core of your pain isn’t rooted in the way you were treated and defined by your parents or your family in your childhood ~ because if it is rooted in family dysfunction or child abuse, then oddly enough, the “stain that oozes through and stains your life”, is often presumed to be your own dang fault. If the core of your pain has something to do with your family or having not been protected and validated by your family, the world is not so interested in hearing about it. In those cases the victim survivor is often viewed differently and possibly even blamed for causing the abuse or for bringing it on to themselves! Sometimes children of parental abuse are told they must have done ‘something’ to deserve it even if that abuse was sexual abuse! This is otherwise known as “Victim Blaming”
It’s sad but unfortunately true; people usually don’t respond the same way if the pain we are talking about is being caused by family or if that pain involves talking about injustice that happened to you at the hands of your family. (I suspect that it makes some people uncomfortable for a personal reason more than it is about them not understanding because interestingly enough, people who don’t relate seem very understanding in my experience.)
It is shocking how differently we are received by many if the pain we are talking about has to do with our own mothers and fathers. That’s when we are so often told that talking about the core of our pain is “gossip” and “malice” and that we should not air our dirty laundry in public. That is when we are directed to forgive the abuser or offender without ever having the offence validated in the first place. That is when we are informed to consider that the offender, ‘did the best they could do with what they had to work with”. Or we are told that they didn’t know any better. Or we are instructed to understand the abusive childhood that the abusive or neglectful parents came from themselves and that it was because of the injustice done to them, that they did it to us. (Which validates the abuser but not the victim and in fact is once again, victim blaming.) If your grievance is with your family, and you have been instructed to ‘get over it’ and to ‘leave the past in the past’ or to “forgive and forget”, consider this; NONE of those instructions deals with or heals “the core of your pain that is holding you in your past”
Victim blaming is abusive.
In order to get past this, I had to validate my pain and understand that nobody, not even my family, had the right to disregard or disrespect me. Nobody has the right to objectify me or assign me less value than someone else and that includes the way that my family of origin treats me. Love is only visible by its actions.
The core of my pain that was holding me in the past was stuck in the belief system that developed as a result of the damage done to me and the messages that I believed about myself that were communicated to me about me by the disrespectful and devaluing actions of others. Most of those ‘others’ were related to me by blood or were enabled by people related to me by blood. And most of those ‘actions’ were dismissed by the people related to me by blood.
The key to overcoming those messages has been in finding out what they were and where the roots of them lived and changing them the false messages back to the truth. I had to learn to validate the core of my pain and validate that my pain was understandable, justifiable, real and valid.
It was only then that the pain subsided. It was only then that I realized I was letting go and that letting go was a result of the validation. It was only then that I stopped bleeding. That was how I stitched myself back up and took my life back. That was how I took the action that proved love. That was how I shouted to the world that I was no longer a victim and learned that the blame, the fault, wasn’t mine.
After that, I started to work on my relationship with me. I am learning to love myself in the way that no human beings love could have healed me. This is the action of love that I have learned to take in my own life in order to heal the core of the pain in my life.
Please share your thoughts about Victim Blaming and about how it feels to have your pain invalidated.
Exposing Truth, one snapshot at a time;
Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical and psychologically destructive.
Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain in denial about their mother’s true nature. They blame themselves for manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet. But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same.
Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special talents, athletic abilities, are attractive—the narcissistic mother uses these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child doesn’t matter to her—only the perfect performance that will impress those in her circle of social or professional influence.
Narcissistic mothers test two daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen. Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected child.
Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief—a pervasive feeling of loss over what the daughter never had–a loving protective mother who accepted and nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.
Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right therapist for you.
The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole, complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar with this part of yourself—It is found gold.
The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special—–She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.